The Burden of Grief: Widowhood and its Impact on Indian Women

Originally featured in Feminism In India

Ragini Jha

In a recent discussion on grief in India, advocates referred to being widowed as a “state of social death”. This is hardly an exaggeration; in a culture that praises accommodating women (a thinly veiled euphemism for “women who endure everything the men in their lives throw at them”), it is difficult to have wholly personal experiences. Grief is no exception. With no opportunity to focus on the loss, the emphasis on sacrifice and servitude becomes an involuntary performance for women. 

Although these practices are changing, there are still some deeply ingrained beliefs that hinder women from processing grief in a way that is reflective of their personal experiences. This issue goes beyond an emotional burden; there are implications for a woman’s safety and social support, as well as a deprivation of her basic needs after the loss of her husband. 

Gendered expectations around grief have existed for centuries. While religion is often cited as a basis for oppressive customs, it’s possible that the cultural norms are largely created by patriarchal interpretations of religious texts, rather than their original messaging. The Gita, for example, strongly emphasises equality between genders, and there are multiple passages which outline the importance of serving each other in different ways. Conveniently, cultural norms often ignore these teachings and extend the idea of  “devotion to one’s spouse” only to women. 

There is no question that men and women experience grief differently, and this is impacted by the way society views the loss of a spouse. There is a larger issue of a woman’s worth being measured by her marital status, and these practices imply that women have no place in society without a husband. Sada suhagan raho, always stay a married woman (commonly used by well wishers to congratulate new brides), if considered beyond its literal meaning, is really a way of saying “hope you never have to experience life without a husband”.

Historically, widows have been expected to live in extreme austerity and deprivation, a norm that shows itself in subtle ways across classes and modern societies. This includes restrictions around food, clothing, and even attendance at family or social events. Upper class Indians in metropolitan cities would like to believe that they are above such regressive practices, but the judgment and exclusion continues to exist, whether in the belief that widows are bad luck or the idea that there is a “correct” way to grieve. This was exacerbated during the COVID pandemic, when thousands of women were rushed through grieving rituals, with other women breaking their bangles and taking off their mangalsutras, often by force. 

A major part of this is the emotional labour that women take on, not only in times of loss, but in their day to day as well. This labour, often referred to as the mental load, is invisible work that women take on disproportionately. This is not simply about doing chores or serving food. This involves the extra responsibility of not only meeting needs, but anticipating them, providing multiple solutions, and making sure that tasks are actually completed, even when they are delegated to someone else. These gendered expectations are not limited to India - while the specific norms may vary, the underlying values are universal in their emphasis on a woman’s duty to put others first.  

Consistent efforts are being made to challenge these beliefs and provide better resources for women. Just last year, Herwad became the first village in Maharashtra to ban customs that mistreat widows, and may soon be followed by a state issued penalty for perpetuating such practices. It is strange enough that the law has to force people to treat widows with kindness, and none of these laws will be effective without education around mental health and gender dynamics. Several organisations have been working on this for decades, including The Loomba Foundation, which provides skills training and economic empowerment for widows all over the country. 

There are ways to balance traditions with personal feelings of loss. This begins with acknowledging gendered expectations, and recognising that women are often creating emotional space for others by sacrificing their own. This burden is amplified in times of loss and these practices have hidden behind religion for long enough. The way people are treated in their most difficult moments says everything about a community, and India has a chance to prove itself as a place that honours women regardless of their circumstances. 

If you would like to learn more or contribute to this cause, check out the following organisations:

The Loomba Foundation

WISE (Women’s Initiative for Self Empowerment)

Maitri

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